Romance?

G.H. asks, "I am a thirty-three year old heterosexual Canadian male living in the states with only a high school diploma. I have to take the bus to get to my job at McDonald's because I let my car get reposessed due to one-too-many DUI's. If you were me you would drink also. I have never had an actual relationship with a real, live girl. I'm always put in the 'friend zone.' Sure, women find me funny at parties and everything, but I am such a loser that no one ever takes me seriously as a potential romantic partner. I don't get it. I write in my facebook status almost every night about how I just want a woman who will wrap her arms around me and hold me but no one ever responds. To make matters worse, I recently realized that I am also a 'Furry.' I came out to some friends last weekend and they freaked out on me. It seems like it's perfectly ok to be gay or bisexual these days, but if you try to open up and admit you have a fetish you're branded as some kind of weirdo all of a sudden. Or maybe not so sudden. It all feels so hopeless, the darkness of my life just keeps getting worse and worse."

Hi, G.H. I'm sorry you're feeling crappy at the moment and I think there are a couple of things to address here, if the ultimate goal is, indeed, to find a girlfriend.

Please keep in mind that while I am a girl, I am by no stretch of the imagination a relationship expert. I have very little experience in this field myself, but from one human to another, there are a few things I can think of that may help. And/or if they don't, you're welcome to tell me to go piss up a tree.

First of all, I see a lot of negative language in your post. I know, I know, you're depressed and feeling bad about yourself so the negative words feel the most appropriate. I understand that - I have experience with depression, too. But what I will tell you is that those words aren't doing you any favors, either internally or externally. If you think of yourself in those terms and use those terms to describe yourself to others, other people can tell and will probably distance themselves somewhat. I'm not saying you have to run around calling yourself a prince or anything, but "If you were me, you would drink also," is really negative. Really negative. Is there anything you like about yourself? Maybe you make really good paper airplanes, or maybe you have a nice smile or something. If you can find one thing to like about yourself, no matter how silly or trite it may seem, hold on to that. When you feel like crap and feel the need to drink, remember the one nice thing about you. You never know. Thinking of one might inspire you to think of two or three more.

Second, I had to look up what a "Furry" was (thank you, UrbanDictionary.com!). I have, apparently, been living under a rock for the past few years. Did you know that Furrys have conventions and things? Have you ever thought of going? See, the thing about telling our closest friends our deepest secrets is that they will tease us mercilessly. That's what they do. And we tease them in turn. It's a really fucked up kind of communication that exists between humans where we feel the need to belittle one another. And particularly when it involves sexual preferences. I'm sorry your friends didn't take it so well. Thing is, you are not the only Furry in the world, and thanks to this lovely invention called "the interweb," you can probably find others and perhaps attend a convention or a party. You'll be surrounded by people who share your passions and love you for them. I'm not saying ditch your current friends - I'm sure you have history with them and share other interests and things. But if this is something that is important to you and your current circle of friends is less than supportive, go find some additional friends who you can share this part of yourself with. Just try to avoid using negative language about yourself when making introductions.

And finally, the Facebook status thing. Stop that. Nobody wants to read the same status message about desperation every night. I know being alone can suck. I did the math once and determined that I have been single for about 93% of my life, so I know what it is like to get lonely from time to time. Thing is, shouting "I'm lonely!" from the mountaintops isn't going to get you the kind of attention you're looking for. Even if someone did respond, you'd wonder if it was out of pity, or you'd wonder why it was girl A and not girl B who posted a comment. Facebook is not a good way of making real connections with people. It is a good way of keeping up with people you already know who live somewhere else. If you're looking for honest to goodness human-to-human interaction, find a hobby. Join an inter-mural sports league. Take up sailing. Learn to dance. Pick a venue that has bands you like and go there with some sort of regularity. Go out and find other people who do the things you like to do (and I'm talking about actually going to do these things, even if it means going by yourself at first. Posting an ad on Craigslist that says, "Anyone up for some darts tonight?" isn't going to get you what you're looking for. Going to a bar that has a dart board and asking if you can get in on a game might) and I guarantee you, you won't feel so lonely whether or not you find a girlfriend. And then you'll stop using negative language about yourself because it won't be the most appropriate language anymore. And then, you just may find a girlfriend.

I know it sound complicated and daunting. When I was seventeen, I met a boy in Spain who was the most gorgeous thing I had seen (to date) and I flirted with him quite a bit, and he with me, and we sat down one night to chat and he told me, "You're a great girl and I like you; you just need a little more self-confidence." I don't know if he actually thought the semi-colon when he was talking, but I hear it in my head when I hear him saying that to me. And my first thought was, "How the hell am I supposed to get any if rat bastards like you keep turning me down?" But in retrospect, I know what he was talking about. Particularly in terms of romantic relationships, people are drawn to those who make them feel good about themselves. And the best way to do that is to feel good about yourself first. It's hard. You many have to "fake it 'til you make it" for a little while at the beginning. And you have to have a lot of strength to keep it up. But you can do it.

Thank you, G.H. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com