Woodchucks Galore

A.A asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

Springs are in the heir and I hope this letter finds you in good health and with a reasonable level of joviality.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could be you?

May the FSM look upon you kindly,
AA"

Hi, A.A. Thank you for your question, and for the blessing of the FSM. Such things are always appreciated.

But springs in the heir? Ouch! Does Harry know about this? If it's him, I guess he must, but if it's Wills, then he might want to keep alert for some terrible medical emergency that shoots him up the "next in line to rule" list. Cut back on all of that random cavorting and find himself a nice girl to settle down with. Not Pippa, though. Marrying your sister-in-law might have worked in the sixteenth century, but this is the twenty-first for crying out loud. He should be more progressive and marry an American, for instance. *cough, cough* Excuse me.

But on to the woodchucks. Y'all like woodchucks, don't you? And what's not to like? I actually have a friend now with a pet woodchuck which I think is adorable. Oh, wait, sorry. He has a hedgehog. Those are the cute ones. Woodchucks are the ones that spend their days throwing things about, all willy-nilly and such. Silly willy-nilly woodchucks.

I think perhaps the most important thing that we need to address here, though, is why would a woodchuck want to be me? Seriously. You're a woodchuck. You're minding your own business, chuckin' some wood when the mood takes you, maybe having a bit of lunch before a bit of a lie-down. Someone comes up to you and says, "Hey, you wanna trade in everything you currently have going for you so you can become a single white girl who lives by herself and has a semi-crappy day job? She has a cute car, though, and a nice apartment, and some kick-ass friends, but you'll have to start paying her rent and bills and you'll have to clean up after her cat when he has hairballs and stuff. You wanna trade in your life of leisure for bills and cats and cars and jobs and stuff?" What kind of woodchuck would take you up on that offer? A sadistic one, maybe. So I don't think it's too likely that a woodchuck would be me, given the opportunity.

Given the opportunity, though, I might be a woodchuck for a day. In which case, my answer would be "three."

Thank you, A.A. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com