All You Need is Lub?

A.A. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

I hope you are meeting the heat and humidity with a healthy dose of conditioned air.

Do you know we lub you and if so, do you know we lub you *this* much?

Thanks as always,
AA"

My air is as nicely conditioned as my hair, and I owe my hair to Lamas. Not Lorenzo. Though he had nice hair back in the day, too, but I doubt he used this stuff 'cuz I don't think it was around then. But side note: I recently got about seven inches chopped off of my hair and my stylist was floored by how healthy it was, all the way to the tips, with no dye or product or extensions or anything in it. Which I took to mean, I grow good hair. And condition it well.

Anyway. I digress.

I have to admit, I was a bit puzzled by your question, as I'm not necessarily up with all of the hip lingo the youngsters are using these days. I was working on a film not too long ago with a group of kids who all thought it was kitschy that I use the word "groovy." It's coming back, man, just you wait. So I had to look up what "lub" means. In large part to make sure you didn't just forget the "e" on the end, in which case, this is a much more personal question than we should probably be posting on the interweb. And according to the Urban Dictionary, "lub" is one of those totally non-committal words that wusses use when they don't have the balls to tell someone how they really feel. Or when they're too afraid to admit how they feel. It's described as being something between like and love, which in my day, we referred to as like-liking someone. As in, "I like him, but I don't like-him-like-him, so I said no when he asked me to Homecoming."

Now, I know you're married to a lovely woman, which may explain the usage of "lub" as opposed to "like" or "love," but you also say, "we," which leads me to believe I have a lot of sort-of-timid-non-committal friends which is mildly disturbing. I'd like to think the sentiment behind the message was a sweet one, but I'm just sort of left feeling like I'm stuck in limbo, not knowing where I really stand with anyone. And apparently, these are very strong non-committal feelings. I don't even know how that works. Did I do something to offend you all? How is it that I'm sitting on the fence between like and love and y'all can't make up your minds? If I was taller, would that help? Or if I gave everybody kittens for Christmas? Hell, I'd even call you all really mean names so I'd move over into hate territory because even that is clearer than this whole "lub" thing.

I need to lie down now.

Thank you, A.A. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Woodchucks Galore

A.A asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

Springs are in the heir and I hope this letter finds you in good health and with a reasonable level of joviality.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could be you?

May the FSM look upon you kindly,
AA"

Hi, A.A. Thank you for your question, and for the blessing of the FSM. Such things are always appreciated.

But springs in the heir? Ouch! Does Harry know about this? If it's him, I guess he must, but if it's Wills, then he might want to keep alert for some terrible medical emergency that shoots him up the "next in line to rule" list. Cut back on all of that random cavorting and find himself a nice girl to settle down with. Not Pippa, though. Marrying your sister-in-law might have worked in the sixteenth century, but this is the twenty-first for crying out loud. He should be more progressive and marry an American, for instance. *cough, cough* Excuse me.

But on to the woodchucks. Y'all like woodchucks, don't you? And what's not to like? I actually have a friend now with a pet woodchuck which I think is adorable. Oh, wait, sorry. He has a hedgehog. Those are the cute ones. Woodchucks are the ones that spend their days throwing things about, all willy-nilly and such. Silly willy-nilly woodchucks.

I think perhaps the most important thing that we need to address here, though, is why would a woodchuck want to be me? Seriously. You're a woodchuck. You're minding your own business, chuckin' some wood when the mood takes you, maybe having a bit of lunch before a bit of a lie-down. Someone comes up to you and says, "Hey, you wanna trade in everything you currently have going for you so you can become a single white girl who lives by herself and has a semi-crappy day job? She has a cute car, though, and a nice apartment, and some kick-ass friends, but you'll have to start paying her rent and bills and you'll have to clean up after her cat when he has hairballs and stuff. You wanna trade in your life of leisure for bills and cats and cars and jobs and stuff?" What kind of woodchuck would take you up on that offer? A sadistic one, maybe. So I don't think it's too likely that a woodchuck would be me, given the opportunity.

Given the opportunity, though, I might be a woodchuck for a day. In which case, my answer would be "three."

Thank you, A.A. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com