Universal Truth

A.A. asks, "Why, Miss Kitty? WHY?!?

Thank you, Miss Kitty. Hope all is well. Happy New Year. I look forward to your reply.

A."

Such a polite email for such a passionate question. And the answer is very simple.

Because.

Because the Earth revolves around the Sun. Because gravity keeps us here. Because it feels good. Because he makes me smile. Because I think single spaces after a period make text look smooshed together and sometimes I want to give my readers a bit more of a pause than just one space will allow. Because they scored more points. Because I love you. Because she's your wife. Because he's my best friend. Because if you don't, you'll get fired. Because if you do, you'll get hurt. Because that's where the Boogie Man lives. Because that information is on a "need to know" basis and you don't need to know. Because we borrowed it from the Germans. Because it's more fun to paint things that don't really exist. Because he did too many drugs in his teens. Because she always looks bored and pissy. Because he is over-exposed. Because that's what they think we want. Because that's what we think we want. Because he's funny and charming and smart and damn fine to look at. Because I just want to make people laugh. Because we're not going anywhere else. Because it's time. Because it's easy. Because if someone were to turn this into a monologue, they would need to know each circumstance to give each answer it's proper weight and I would love to see them try. Because it's fun. Because he's a genius. Because the work being produced there is stimulating and exciting. Because it's warmer. Because it's snowing. Because there is honestly no good reason to let the phone ring three times before you answer it when your job is to answer the phone. Because nobody knows. Because everyone is nosy. Because we need to fill our lives with something to distract ourselves from the futility of it all. Because nobody wants to be forgotten.

Why?

Because I said so and I'm your mother, that's why.

Thank you, A.A. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Laws

H.J. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

I recently read that Hugh Heffner announced via Twitter his preparations to marry for a third time. Aren't there laws against this?

H.J."

Which part? Getting married, being Hugh Heffner, or announcing things via Twitter?

Actually, in all three cases, the answer is "no."

Unfortunately, the only thing that could stop Hugh Heffner from getting married would be if he announced his plans to marry the houseboy, instead of the housebunny, and even that would only stop him in certain states. No, while Harry cannot have one husband, Liz is allowed eight. It's sad, but it is good protest sign fodder.

There is also no law against being Hugh Heffner. Unless you are not Hugh Heffner and you run around telling people that you are him. Especially if you take his credit cards and social security card and stuff and buy all sorts of things. Which he could totally afford, but still. That might land you in jail, but will most likely not get him in a whole load of trouble.

And Twitter...well, there should be laws against Twitter but there aren't. Nor are there laws preventing people from announcing things there. There is a sort of unwritten rule of douchebaggery that states "If the party of the first part is unaware of the happenings in the life of the party of the second part, the party of the second part retains all rights and privileges associated with being put out that the party of the first part could not be bothered to read the Twitter account of the party of the second part. The party of the second part will not be held liable for the party of the first part missing out on any super groovy social activities due to the general disinterest of the party of the first part in not reading Twitter because, dude, I only posted it up there, like, ten times between 2 and 3am after we hit the burrito stand. What do you mean you went home and went to sleep? It's not my fault you're a wus. If you want to know what's going on, you have to read my Twitter - I'm not going to tell you otherwise, because then what would be the point of posting it on Twitter?"

Or something like that.

So, as there are no laws to prevent it, I wish Heff and his new wife all sorts of joy as they embark on this lifelong journey together. And no, she is not a gold digger.

Thank you, H.J. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com