Laws

H.J. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

I recently read that Hugh Heffner announced via Twitter his preparations to marry for a third time. Aren't there laws against this?

H.J."

Which part? Getting married, being Hugh Heffner, or announcing things via Twitter?

Actually, in all three cases, the answer is "no."

Unfortunately, the only thing that could stop Hugh Heffner from getting married would be if he announced his plans to marry the houseboy, instead of the housebunny, and even that would only stop him in certain states. No, while Harry cannot have one husband, Liz is allowed eight. It's sad, but it is good protest sign fodder.

There is also no law against being Hugh Heffner. Unless you are not Hugh Heffner and you run around telling people that you are him. Especially if you take his credit cards and social security card and stuff and buy all sorts of things. Which he could totally afford, but still. That might land you in jail, but will most likely not get him in a whole load of trouble.

And Twitter...well, there should be laws against Twitter but there aren't. Nor are there laws preventing people from announcing things there. There is a sort of unwritten rule of douchebaggery that states "If the party of the first part is unaware of the happenings in the life of the party of the second part, the party of the second part retains all rights and privileges associated with being put out that the party of the first part could not be bothered to read the Twitter account of the party of the second part. The party of the second part will not be held liable for the party of the first part missing out on any super groovy social activities due to the general disinterest of the party of the first part in not reading Twitter because, dude, I only posted it up there, like, ten times between 2 and 3am after we hit the burrito stand. What do you mean you went home and went to sleep? It's not my fault you're a wus. If you want to know what's going on, you have to read my Twitter - I'm not going to tell you otherwise, because then what would be the point of posting it on Twitter?"

Or something like that.

So, as there are no laws to prevent it, I wish Heff and his new wife all sorts of joy as they embark on this lifelong journey together. And no, she is not a gold digger.

Thank you, H.J. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Smart Phones

iP.L. asks, "Miss Kitty,

What would be the potential implications if there was a movement to legalize marriage between humans and their smart phones?

Sincerely,
iPhone Lover

I think if the day comes wherein people feel the need to marry inanimate bits of technology, I will officially resign from the human race and go live in a cave somewhere among the bats. Because bats are friggin' cool.

I don't mean to discriminate - I think people should be allowed to marry whomever they want, as long as both parties are cool with it. Thing about marrying a smart phone is, how do you know the smart phone wants to marry you? Seriously, think about it. You bought that smart phone. You filled it with phone numbers and apps to make your life easier. You stuff it in pockets and leather carrying cases and purses and laptop bags. You drop it on the floor repeatedly and curse the high heavens when it drops a call or is two seconds slower than you'd like it to be. You say you love it but really, it is your slave. And you treat it badly. Did anyone ever stop to ask their iPhone if it would like that Justin Bieber ring tone generator to be installed? Did anyone bother to thank their Blackberry for reminding them when their anniversary is?

No.

We treat our smart phones like shit and then you expect them to want to marry you?

I would also have to ask what the benefits of marrying a bit of technology would be. See, the main points of contention in the gay marriage debate are equal rights for spouses of the same gender - hospital visitation rights, inheritance issues, insurance things, etc. When you are hospitalized, you take your phone with you and are allowed to put it on the bedside table. Nobody is going to bar your smart phone from the room. The only rooms the phones are not allowed in are the ones where it would probably do a lot of damage to the phone to have it in there (i.e. MRI and x-ray rooms). And do you really want to leave your life savings to your smart phone? Wouldn't you rather leave it to your kids so they can go to college, or to some charity if you really don't like your kids? Okay, what if it is the smart phone that gets sick? You take it to the Apple Genius Bar and they poke around in there - while you still have full visitation rights - and when they come back and tell you that it's a software glitch that will cost $500 to fix, or you could buy a new phone for $99, what do you do? You throw away your original phone for a newer, younger, sleeker model.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if a movement does start to allow humans to marry their smart phones, I will instantly start a campaign for Smart Phone Rights. Crackberries Unite!

Thank you, iP.L. for your question! Keep 'em coming guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com