All You Need is Lub?

A.A. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

I hope you are meeting the heat and humidity with a healthy dose of conditioned air.

Do you know we lub you and if so, do you know we lub you *this* much?

Thanks as always,
AA"

My air is as nicely conditioned as my hair, and I owe my hair to Lamas. Not Lorenzo. Though he had nice hair back in the day, too, but I doubt he used this stuff 'cuz I don't think it was around then. But side note: I recently got about seven inches chopped off of my hair and my stylist was floored by how healthy it was, all the way to the tips, with no dye or product or extensions or anything in it. Which I took to mean, I grow good hair. And condition it well.

Anyway. I digress.

I have to admit, I was a bit puzzled by your question, as I'm not necessarily up with all of the hip lingo the youngsters are using these days. I was working on a film not too long ago with a group of kids who all thought it was kitschy that I use the word "groovy." It's coming back, man, just you wait. So I had to look up what "lub" means. In large part to make sure you didn't just forget the "e" on the end, in which case, this is a much more personal question than we should probably be posting on the interweb. And according to the Urban Dictionary, "lub" is one of those totally non-committal words that wusses use when they don't have the balls to tell someone how they really feel. Or when they're too afraid to admit how they feel. It's described as being something between like and love, which in my day, we referred to as like-liking someone. As in, "I like him, but I don't like-him-like-him, so I said no when he asked me to Homecoming."

Now, I know you're married to a lovely woman, which may explain the usage of "lub" as opposed to "like" or "love," but you also say, "we," which leads me to believe I have a lot of sort-of-timid-non-committal friends which is mildly disturbing. I'd like to think the sentiment behind the message was a sweet one, but I'm just sort of left feeling like I'm stuck in limbo, not knowing where I really stand with anyone. And apparently, these are very strong non-committal feelings. I don't even know how that works. Did I do something to offend you all? How is it that I'm sitting on the fence between like and love and y'all can't make up your minds? If I was taller, would that help? Or if I gave everybody kittens for Christmas? Hell, I'd even call you all really mean names so I'd move over into hate territory because even that is clearer than this whole "lub" thing.

I need to lie down now.

Thank you, A.A. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Santa vs. The Easter Bunny

T.E. asks, "My Dear Miss Kitty,

Who has the cooler job, Santa or the Easter Bunny?"

Santa.

Hands down, it's Santa.

So this answer is going to be more text-y than link-y, but I think I have some pretty solid reasons why Santa has it better than the Easter Bunny, so just bear with me, if you would.

Okay, let's look at living conditions first.

Santa lives at the North Pole (horrible weather) in a sort of magical workshop where he is surrounded by his wife, elves, reindeer and bajillions of toys. It's always kind of holiday-ish at Santa's workshop, so I'm guessing there is singing and lights and probably some pretty decent grub. We all know Santa's a little on the larger side, and one doesn't get that way if the food sucks. Let's be honest.

The Easter Bunny lives...somewhere. Nobody really knows. But if he is like any other bunny, he probably lives in a hole in the ground. There may be other bunnies or there may not be. Probably not. If there were, we would have heard of Mrs. Easter Bunny, right? He's probably a bachelor who goes around procreating like, well, a bunny, but he can't be seen with all of these kids hanging about so all of his former girlfriend bunnies have scorned him and don't come around any more either. And let's be honest, if you're a bunny that looks like this, do you really want to be seen hanging around with this guy? Or worse, this one?

Point: Santa.

Next we look at job circumstances.

Santa works all year long. Making toys. He gets to build trains and dolls and iPods and drills and all kinds of fun things. If he gets tired of making tops, he can switch over to blocks for a day. And again, the work environment is filled with elves singing, people to chat with, and good food. Then, once a year, he climbs into a magical sled and takes a trip around the world where people leave cookies for him at every stop. Not too shabby, I'd say.

The Easter Bunny works one day a year. Not too bad. Until you consider that he has to steal his product (eggs) because bunnies don't lay eggs. So in the days leading up to Easter, he has to break into hen houses to try to collect enough eggs to hide for the children to find, or he has to break into various variety stories to get those brightly colored plastic eggs and then fill them with stuff. He could, at any time, be caught and dragged off to jail or shot by an angry farmer. And then he has to go hide the eggs so other people can find and consume the treats within. And he has to do this all by himself. No little worker bunnies hopping around to help with the stealing and hiding, and nobody to leave little treats for him as he does his job.

Point: Santa.

And finally, attire.

Santa gets to wear a nice, big, warm, fuzzy red suit with boots and a hat and gloves so he stays nice and toasty on his round-the-world trip. And I'm guessing he can wear whatever he wants in the workshop.

The Easter Bunny sometimes gets to wear really horrible vests or bow-ties, but that's about it. You know how dank and muddy it can be in March or April? And he doesn't even get to wear boots? Sure he's an animal, but do we have to treat him like one?

Point, set, match: Santa.

Sorry, Easter Bunny, but you just plain got screwed with your holiday. It's not even on the same day every year, for crying out loud. At least you get to hawk Cadbury Creme Eggs for a little while each year. Those things are tasty.

Thank you, T.E. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Impulse Buys

M.C. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

As usual we are being bombarded with commercials and adds for those perfect Christmas Gift ideas. But I am wondering about the ones where people get a Lexus for Christmas. Maybe its just me but.........when did a new luxury automobile become an impulse buy?"

Hey, M.C. In case you hadn't noticed, EVERYTHING is an impulse buy at Christmas time. I'm just kind of surprised it took the car manufacturers this long to catch on and try to take advantage of it.

There are a lot of things at work here. One is guilt. This is a great time of year to remember that Jesus was a hoopy frood. I know, I know, there are plenty of people out there (and probably quite a few reading this) who don't necessarily dig on the whole Jesus vibe. That's fine. I'm not particularly religious myself. But if you at least pretend for a minute that he was a real guy who lived a long time ago, he seemed like a pretty cool dude. Telling people to love one another and all that stuff. Turning water into wine - tell me you don't wish you had that skill. Feeding the poor. And the people who decided his birthday should be celebrated alongside the way more popular at the time solstice celebrations, thought it might be a good idea to play up the fact that he was a hoopy frood to try to get more people to join the party. So since about 440AD, people have been running around at this time of year telling everyone what a great guy he was and I'm guessing that there has been a little bit of the telephone game in there so now, instead of being groovy guy, he's the guy who can make Chuck Norris cry for his mommy. And since we're supposed to be celebrating things in his image, and there is no possible way you could make Chuck Norris cry for his mommy, you have to show you are just as good as Jesus by...buying a car for your loved ones. Because those coupon books you used to give just don't cost enough to prove you're worth getting in on the Jesus celebrations. He gave his friggin' life for you man; the least you could do is go into debt in his name.

I would like to point out here that boat, jet, and helicopter manufacturers were trying to get in on the fun for a little while there, until it was pointed out that not everyone has a pilot's license or access to a major body of water. So for the time being, anyway, a car is the most expensive thing that just about everyone (in the United States) might actually be able to use. The more you love, the more you'll spend, but not if the person can't use it. Usually.

And, of course, we have the rampant materialism of the general American population. You said it right when you mentioned the bombardment of adds this time of year (the extra "d" is for "double the ads," I presume). If you're not buying craploads of junk that people don't actually need at this time of year, well, that's downright un-American.

So we take materialism and guilt and put them together and voila! You have to buy your loved ones luxury cars for Christmas or you just plain don't love them. The car manufacturers are just disappointed that they haven't been able to successfully position the automobiles next to the candy bars in the supermarket check-out lines.

Thank you, M.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Christmas Gifts

M.C. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty

What was the worst Christmas gift you ever received?"

This is actually a really tough question to answer because most of the Christmas presents I've been given have been spot on. Usually because I ask for stuff and people get it for me. And it's also hard for me to say a gift is "bad" because someone took the time to buy me a gift in the first place, which was really sweet and I have to applaud the effort. I did get a book once, though, that was just WAY off base. It was about how feminism was just sort of a fad and isn't it nice that we're moving back towards a society wherein women like to stay home and cook and clean and take care of the family? I think. I didn't read the thing. And I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being a stay at home mom. When I have kids, if it financially viable, I may choose to do just that because how awesome would it be to get to see your kids grow up every day? But that's just it - I may choose to stay home. I would not stay home because society told me I should. Which is kind of what feminism is about. Which means feminism is alive and well and it rocks, baby!

Oh! And another time, a co-worker (boss-type) of mine who lives in Europe brought me this nice little box of European chocolates for Christmas. None of which were vegan (which I am). On the up side, I got to give those away to the rest of the people in the office, so at least somebody got to enjoy them.

I used to have these sort of nightmares (not really nightmares, but awful thoughts) that someday, when I'm rich and famous, my fabulous rich and famous boyfriend (or boss, or co-star or someone) would buy me a fur coat as a gift (not that any of those people would, I just wanted to add some links to this post). I honestly don't know what I would do. I wouldn't take it, first of all, but I would probably then have to question our whole relationship. So thank goodness I'm not rich and famous and I don't have any rich and famous friends/coworkers/costars!

Thank you, M.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Songwriting

M.C. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty
Have you written any new song lately and if so are any of them about me?"

I have not written any new songs in a while. I'm almost ashamed to admit that, but I haven't. I've been doing other things. Which isn't really an excuse - lots of artists are able to do more than one thing at a time - it's just how things have worked out recently.

I have also found myself surrounded by a lot of really amazing music at the moment that is sort of filling up and soothing my soul in such a way that I feel musically satisfied without writing anything. Like this. And these guys are also pretty great. And I know a lot of people really didn't like it, but I have to admit that this one has kind of grown on me, as have some of the other tunes from the same album.

So anyway. The short answer is no, no new songs lately. I was thinking of your Christmas tune the other day, though and it made me miss you. Hope you are well.

Thank you, M.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Potty Time Santa

J.R. asks, "Where does Santa pee on Christmas Eve, on his round the world circuit?"

That's actually a really good question, J.R., and there are a couple of theories on that. See, nobody has ever thought to ask him. Sure, you hear the random story about some kid seeing his mom make out with Santa, or some guy who happens to see Santa do his thing and then gets a personal "Merry Christmas" out of him, but in all of these encounters, does anyone ever think to ask Santa if he need to pop into the loo? No, they don't. Most of them don't even bother to say, "Thanks for the gifts, and for squishing your innards to get them to us," because if you know anything about the physics of Santa, you know he is traveling at approximately 650 miles per second, which subjects him to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. If that doesn't squish your innards, I don't know what will.

So there are a couple of theories on where Santa might take a pit stop if he needs one.

The first is that he is visiting millions of homes with large, bushy trees in them. Much better than using the trees outside, I must say, mostly because it can get cold outside which can make the mechanics of the deed tricky. This also explains why people are usually pretty quick to get rid of their trees once Christmas is over, and it is a pretty good, solid argument for real trees vs. fake trees.

The second, which is one I hold very dear, is that he uses whatever household restroom he needs to. Hell, we all leave cookies and milk out for him, so why not help himself to the toilet as well? In my house, this led to the tradition of the Christmas Morning Toilet Scrub, where we would gather around the toilet with our brand new scrubbing brushes and toilet bowl cleaner that smelled of gingerbread and get rid of any traces of the Santa who had also stopped at goodness knows how many other toilets around the world that were not nearly as sparkling clean and disease-free as ours. Good times. Good times.

And the third theory takes us back to the whole physics thing mentioned earlier. See, if a person is traveling at 650 miles per second, and is subjected to 17,500.06 times the force of gravity, one needs EXTRAORDINARY amounts of energy to withstand that. It's like when they're teaching pilots to withstand Mach 3 speeds and they tell them to clench down as tight as they can. Times 5,833. So Santa is burning up a LOT of calories on his journey around the world (not alot 'cuz that's something totally different), and all he gets to eat along the way is cookies and milk. In short, Santa gets dangerously dehydrated on his trip around the world and as such, he doesn't need to pee. Why do you think he does this only once a year? You'd think a guy as benevolent as Santa would be making appearances at charity functions and whatnot throughout the year to keep on giving. And why do you think he's always pictured as fat? He needs to build up some padding because he's going to burn through all of it on his journey around the world. No, Santa doesn't need to pee on his journey around the world because he is subjecting himself to the most brutal test of physical endurance ever imagined by human or superhuman being. Even worse than bicycle bog snorkeling. And then he has to take the following year to rest, recover, and prepare to do it all over again.

So may I recommend that this year, you leave out, say, a pot roast for Santa instead of the usual milk and cookies? Dude could use some protein.

Thank you, J.R. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

The Meaning of Christmas

M.C. asks, "Dear miss kitty. I really missed this thread. So here is my first
question. What is the true meaning of Christmas?

Hi, M.C. I missed you, too. Though I am a little confused by the capitalization of all of the important words in your message except my name. No, no. It's okay. I'll just sit over here in the dark and eat bon bons. No need to worry about me.

Tee hee.

Anyway. Christmas. It is that time of year, huh? If we go by the store calendars, it's been that time of year for about three months already. For me, it's just starting to feel like Christmas time. Probably because it is snowing outside. Which, of course, has me hoping we don't get two inches because then they might take issue with where I parked my car and I'll have to move it. "Sorry, I need to take an extra hour around lunch time so I can try to find a different parking spot where they won't either tow me or plow the snow around my car so I can never get it back out. So hi, snow. You are lovely, but please don't actually accumulate today. At least not two inches worth. Quarter inch would be fine. A nice "dusting," as they say. Make us all feel cozy. Cover up the dog poop. Just not so much that they tow my car. Please.

Anyway. Christmas. I just watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" last night, and according to that show, Christmas is about singing. It had me wondering why nobody ever sings "Welcome Christmas" when they go out caroling. Everyone knows the melody, even if they don't know the lyrics. But a lot of the lyrics are nonsense anyway, so if you mess them up, nobody is going to notice. And/or, I'm sure people could find the lyrics somewhere on this newfangled contraption called "the interweb." People are just lazy, I guess. Or there isn't enough about Jesus in the song to add it to the list of acceptable carols. Or people just don't go caroling anymore. Anyone want to go caroling this year?

Anyway. Christmas. There was also a Shrek Christmas thing on last night that seemed to say that Christmas is about surrounding yourself with the people you love and who love you and letting things get totally crazy out of hand until you're ready to not see those people again for a very long time. Which kind of makes sense.

And there are those who will tell you that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, who was apparently a really cool dude who went on to do some groovy things later in life and a lot of people have decided to live their lives the way he thinks they should live their lives. Which is cool. If Christmas is a birthday party, then I think we're all doing it right with the decorations and the presents and the massive amounts of foods that aren't good for you.

If you want to look at the word "Christmas," though, you could break it down into two parts - "Christ" and "Mas." "Mas" is Spanish for "more," so we're probably safe in thinking that the whole word is Spanish. (MAS is also an acronym for the Muslim American Society, but that just makes things even more confusing.) "Christ" is Spanish for (oddly enough) "Christ." So Christmas means Christ-more in Spanish. Christmore. More Christ. Christmas is about more Christ. If you've got none, this is the time of year to go get some. If you have some, now is the time to get more. Enough with the trees and the reindeer and stockings. We should be putting up statues of Christ in our living rooms and covering them with Christ-shaped ornaments. We should put little Christs on the mantle with his arms outstretched to collect gifts of little chocolate Christs (like the chocolate coins in gold foil wrappers that are so popular with our Jewish friends). We should put light-up Christs on our roofs to light the whole neighborhood. More Christ! More Christ! There can never be too many! Buy a ham in the shape of Christ and serve it with a side of Christ-shaped cranberry sauce. You've been saving that grilled Cheesus sandwich for a special occasion? This is your special occasion! Give everyone you know little Christ statues as you wish them a Merry More Christ! He was a groovy dude (or hoopy frood, depending on what galaxy you come from), so spread him around as much as humanly possible during the holiday season.

And when your friends, family and neighbors tell you to knock it off already, what they really mean is "Thank you."

Thank you, M.C. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Turkey

L.C. asks, "What’s the big deal with turkey? Everyone gets all excited about it for Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas. I mean, it’s just glorified chicken. Now ham I can see – I mean, it’s ham."

Ah, turkey. I'll assume we're talking about the bird and not the country (due to the references to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and chicken), though I've heard that the country is actually quite lovely. Maybe next year we should all go there at this time of year and take a little tour or something. It will most likely be warmer than it is in Chicago (with the exception of yesterday), and it could be used as an excuse to get out of all of that silly holiday gift buying stuff you hear so much about on the news. Anyway. Just a thought.

But back to the bird. The poor, poor turkey. Honestly, I think it has to do with sound. And I think it is important here that you mention ham as well, because it is a perfect comparison. My guess is that when you think of ham, you think of something like this, yes? You're probably not thinking of something like this, yet that is where ham comes from. Ham comes from pigs, and as we all know, the pigs who can talk would prefer to not be your holiday dinner, thank you very much. They tell us that. Right there in the films.

Turkeys don't. Unless it's some horror flick or something. Turkeys, in general, say, "Gobble, gobble, gobble." It's what we're all taught in school. Timmy from South Park even named his pet turkey Gobbles, thus reinforcing that turkeys should be gobbled. We don't feel bad about eating something that is telling us to eat it. It's like a free pass. And particularly around the holidays, people like things that are free. Guilt-free is even better (just look at the magazine racks and you'll see millions of "guilt-free" recipes and such).

So why do we eat turkeys at Thanksgiving and at Christmas? Because they told us to, so we don't have to feel bad about it. Unlike those "right-to-life" pigs. Stupid pigs...

Thank you, L.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com