Impulse Buys

M.C. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

As usual we are being bombarded with commercials and adds for those perfect Christmas Gift ideas. But I am wondering about the ones where people get a Lexus for Christmas. Maybe its just me but.........when did a new luxury automobile become an impulse buy?"

Hey, M.C. In case you hadn't noticed, EVERYTHING is an impulse buy at Christmas time. I'm just kind of surprised it took the car manufacturers this long to catch on and try to take advantage of it.

There are a lot of things at work here. One is guilt. This is a great time of year to remember that Jesus was a hoopy frood. I know, I know, there are plenty of people out there (and probably quite a few reading this) who don't necessarily dig on the whole Jesus vibe. That's fine. I'm not particularly religious myself. But if you at least pretend for a minute that he was a real guy who lived a long time ago, he seemed like a pretty cool dude. Telling people to love one another and all that stuff. Turning water into wine - tell me you don't wish you had that skill. Feeding the poor. And the people who decided his birthday should be celebrated alongside the way more popular at the time solstice celebrations, thought it might be a good idea to play up the fact that he was a hoopy frood to try to get more people to join the party. So since about 440AD, people have been running around at this time of year telling everyone what a great guy he was and I'm guessing that there has been a little bit of the telephone game in there so now, instead of being groovy guy, he's the guy who can make Chuck Norris cry for his mommy. And since we're supposed to be celebrating things in his image, and there is no possible way you could make Chuck Norris cry for his mommy, you have to show you are just as good as Jesus by...buying a car for your loved ones. Because those coupon books you used to give just don't cost enough to prove you're worth getting in on the Jesus celebrations. He gave his friggin' life for you man; the least you could do is go into debt in his name.

I would like to point out here that boat, jet, and helicopter manufacturers were trying to get in on the fun for a little while there, until it was pointed out that not everyone has a pilot's license or access to a major body of water. So for the time being, anyway, a car is the most expensive thing that just about everyone (in the United States) might actually be able to use. The more you love, the more you'll spend, but not if the person can't use it. Usually.

And, of course, we have the rampant materialism of the general American population. You said it right when you mentioned the bombardment of adds this time of year (the extra "d" is for "double the ads," I presume). If you're not buying craploads of junk that people don't actually need at this time of year, well, that's downright un-American.

So we take materialism and guilt and put them together and voila! You have to buy your loved ones luxury cars for Christmas or you just plain don't love them. The car manufacturers are just disappointed that they haven't been able to successfully position the automobiles next to the candy bars in the supermarket check-out lines.

Thank you, M.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

License Plates

M.C. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty
Do think that personalized license plates might have secret messages in them?"

No. I think they have very blatant messages in them. For example:

• This one says, "My wife used to drive this car, but took the other one in the divorce."


• This one says, "I'm never getting any, ever, ever again."


• This is an obvious cry for help and I wish I knew where the person lived so the next time those lovely people in orange robes come to my door, I can point them his way instead.


• I like this guy's honesty and would subscribe to his newsletter if he had one. Which he probably does. Online somewhere.


• This one is most likely a lie, though, because I'm guessing most people who are, don't want to advertise it.

So as you can see, M.C., the world of the license plate is not quite as mysterious as one might think. Though I will say that the time I was leaving my mom's house and there was a car parked in front of mine with the license plate "TARDIS," that was a sign. A sign from god.

Thank you, M.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

The Meaning of Christmas

M.C. asks, "Dear miss kitty. I really missed this thread. So here is my first
question. What is the true meaning of Christmas?

Hi, M.C. I missed you, too. Though I am a little confused by the capitalization of all of the important words in your message except my name. No, no. It's okay. I'll just sit over here in the dark and eat bon bons. No need to worry about me.

Tee hee.

Anyway. Christmas. It is that time of year, huh? If we go by the store calendars, it's been that time of year for about three months already. For me, it's just starting to feel like Christmas time. Probably because it is snowing outside. Which, of course, has me hoping we don't get two inches because then they might take issue with where I parked my car and I'll have to move it. "Sorry, I need to take an extra hour around lunch time so I can try to find a different parking spot where they won't either tow me or plow the snow around my car so I can never get it back out. So hi, snow. You are lovely, but please don't actually accumulate today. At least not two inches worth. Quarter inch would be fine. A nice "dusting," as they say. Make us all feel cozy. Cover up the dog poop. Just not so much that they tow my car. Please.

Anyway. Christmas. I just watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" last night, and according to that show, Christmas is about singing. It had me wondering why nobody ever sings "Welcome Christmas" when they go out caroling. Everyone knows the melody, even if they don't know the lyrics. But a lot of the lyrics are nonsense anyway, so if you mess them up, nobody is going to notice. And/or, I'm sure people could find the lyrics somewhere on this newfangled contraption called "the interweb." People are just lazy, I guess. Or there isn't enough about Jesus in the song to add it to the list of acceptable carols. Or people just don't go caroling anymore. Anyone want to go caroling this year?

Anyway. Christmas. There was also a Shrek Christmas thing on last night that seemed to say that Christmas is about surrounding yourself with the people you love and who love you and letting things get totally crazy out of hand until you're ready to not see those people again for a very long time. Which kind of makes sense.

And there are those who will tell you that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, who was apparently a really cool dude who went on to do some groovy things later in life and a lot of people have decided to live their lives the way he thinks they should live their lives. Which is cool. If Christmas is a birthday party, then I think we're all doing it right with the decorations and the presents and the massive amounts of foods that aren't good for you.

If you want to look at the word "Christmas," though, you could break it down into two parts - "Christ" and "Mas." "Mas" is Spanish for "more," so we're probably safe in thinking that the whole word is Spanish. (MAS is also an acronym for the Muslim American Society, but that just makes things even more confusing.) "Christ" is Spanish for (oddly enough) "Christ." So Christmas means Christ-more in Spanish. Christmore. More Christ. Christmas is about more Christ. If you've got none, this is the time of year to go get some. If you have some, now is the time to get more. Enough with the trees and the reindeer and stockings. We should be putting up statues of Christ in our living rooms and covering them with Christ-shaped ornaments. We should put little Christs on the mantle with his arms outstretched to collect gifts of little chocolate Christs (like the chocolate coins in gold foil wrappers that are so popular with our Jewish friends). We should put light-up Christs on our roofs to light the whole neighborhood. More Christ! More Christ! There can never be too many! Buy a ham in the shape of Christ and serve it with a side of Christ-shaped cranberry sauce. You've been saving that grilled Cheesus sandwich for a special occasion? This is your special occasion! Give everyone you know little Christ statues as you wish them a Merry More Christ! He was a groovy dude (or hoopy frood, depending on what galaxy you come from), so spread him around as much as humanly possible during the holiday season.

And when your friends, family and neighbors tell you to knock it off already, what they really mean is "Thank you."

Thank you, M.C. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com