Netflix and the Wii

Happy New Year!

J.E. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

I recently got Netflix for the Wii. I've since lost the desire to leave the house. My husband tells me this is a problem. I disagree since I can stop anytime I want to, I just don't want to right now. How do I get him off of my back?

J. E."

Sorry I was absent for a little while there - I was watching a bunch of stuff from my Netflix queue. Damn, that's a good show.

And really quickly, before I get too in to this answer, I want to say that I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year, and I hope that now, five days into the new year, it hasn't been all blown to hell yet. Like, I dunno, you find out that your celebrity crush is getting married. Not to you. Even though you're sure you'd get along swimmingly, and you don't want to come off as a stalker, but really, couldn't he have at least waited until he'd met you before running off and swearing to love his girlfriend of two and a half years for the rest of his life? People fall in love with total strangers all of the time, right? At least that's what the movies in my Netflix queue tell me.

So anyway. I hope nothing like that has happened to you this year and you are still warm from the New Year Buzz. It's a thing. I swear.

Netflix! We're onto Netflix and the Wii. Such a lethal combination. I came to the discovery over the holiday break that my Wii is being used primarily as a device for watching things through Netflix, and that I really have no idea what is going on in the world because watching things through Netflix, I don't see commercials much anymore (except those irritating Menards ones with the theme song that won't ever leave your brain). So I did what any responsible adult would do - I went out and bought some video games.

But as with any addiction, the easiest way to get someone off of your back about the addiction is to turn said person into an addict as well. Does your husband know that you can watch "Battlestar Galactica" streaming on Netflix? Or all of "Lost?" I think they even have some pro-wrestling tapes on there ("tapes" because the last time anyone recorded professional wrestling for distribution was in the Hulk Hogan era). Is he aware how many bonus points he will get for snuggling up and watching some stupid romantic comedy with you, streaming on Netflix, and he won't even have to pay for movie tickets or snacks? It's the ultimate cheap date night. He doesn't even have to spring for cab fare to get you home and into bed - just get you upstairs, or (if you don't have kids or roommates) out of your pants. Couches can be very romantic places, after all.

So my recommendation to you is that you try to bring him into your world. Start by watching something you know he would like (even if it's not your favorite) streaming on Netflix so as he is walking past the room, he is enticed to stop and have a taste. When that movie or episode ends, you can introduce him to the wonders of online video watching using Netflix and the Wii.

Your marriage will never be the same.

Thank you, J.E. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Santa vs. The Easter Bunny

T.E. asks, "My Dear Miss Kitty,

Who has the cooler job, Santa or the Easter Bunny?"

Santa.

Hands down, it's Santa.

So this answer is going to be more text-y than link-y, but I think I have some pretty solid reasons why Santa has it better than the Easter Bunny, so just bear with me, if you would.

Okay, let's look at living conditions first.

Santa lives at the North Pole (horrible weather) in a sort of magical workshop where he is surrounded by his wife, elves, reindeer and bajillions of toys. It's always kind of holiday-ish at Santa's workshop, so I'm guessing there is singing and lights and probably some pretty decent grub. We all know Santa's a little on the larger side, and one doesn't get that way if the food sucks. Let's be honest.

The Easter Bunny lives...somewhere. Nobody really knows. But if he is like any other bunny, he probably lives in a hole in the ground. There may be other bunnies or there may not be. Probably not. If there were, we would have heard of Mrs. Easter Bunny, right? He's probably a bachelor who goes around procreating like, well, a bunny, but he can't be seen with all of these kids hanging about so all of his former girlfriend bunnies have scorned him and don't come around any more either. And let's be honest, if you're a bunny that looks like this, do you really want to be seen hanging around with this guy? Or worse, this one?

Point: Santa.

Next we look at job circumstances.

Santa works all year long. Making toys. He gets to build trains and dolls and iPods and drills and all kinds of fun things. If he gets tired of making tops, he can switch over to blocks for a day. And again, the work environment is filled with elves singing, people to chat with, and good food. Then, once a year, he climbs into a magical sled and takes a trip around the world where people leave cookies for him at every stop. Not too shabby, I'd say.

The Easter Bunny works one day a year. Not too bad. Until you consider that he has to steal his product (eggs) because bunnies don't lay eggs. So in the days leading up to Easter, he has to break into hen houses to try to collect enough eggs to hide for the children to find, or he has to break into various variety stories to get those brightly colored plastic eggs and then fill them with stuff. He could, at any time, be caught and dragged off to jail or shot by an angry farmer. And then he has to go hide the eggs so other people can find and consume the treats within. And he has to do this all by himself. No little worker bunnies hopping around to help with the stealing and hiding, and nobody to leave little treats for him as he does his job.

Point: Santa.

And finally, attire.

Santa gets to wear a nice, big, warm, fuzzy red suit with boots and a hat and gloves so he stays nice and toasty on his round-the-world trip. And I'm guessing he can wear whatever he wants in the workshop.

The Easter Bunny sometimes gets to wear really horrible vests or bow-ties, but that's about it. You know how dank and muddy it can be in March or April? And he doesn't even get to wear boots? Sure he's an animal, but do we have to treat him like one?

Point, set, match: Santa.

Sorry, Easter Bunny, but you just plain got screwed with your holiday. It's not even on the same day every year, for crying out loud. At least you get to hawk Cadbury Creme Eggs for a little while each year. Those things are tasty.

Thank you, T.E. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Belly Dancing

H.B. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

So my new girlfriend takes these bellydance classes and they have a performance coming up that's called a 'hafla.' I've been to one before, and she kept asking me all of these questions about the other dancers: "Did you notice when the one woman shimmied so hard her boobs almost fell out? Did you notice the beading on the butts? The appliques? Aren't the fifteen year-old's hip drops amazing? What did you think of the chest work?" etc. How do I answer these questions in such a way that it sounds like I paid attention without making it sound like I paid TOO MUCH attention? And is it better for me to act like I'm being dragged to the event or do you think it's ok to show my enthusiasm for the dancing?

H. B."

Kudos on landing a chick who belly dances, dude. Well done.

I have to say, first of all, that chances are when your girlfriend asks you those kinds of questions, she's chatting about the show the same way anyone would after seeing any kind of show. Or she's fishing. One of the two. It can be hard to tell because women are sneaky.

But I can help you, with simple suggestions on how to answer such questions in a polite "I was watching the show" kind of way without venturing into "I had to take an extra ten minutes in the men's room at intermission" kind of a way.

For example, when she asks, "Did you notice when the one woman shimmied so hard her boobs almost fell out?" you can reply, "Thank goodness they didn't!" Just make sure to make it sound sincere - any sarcasm here could be the end of your relationship. As could expounding on the subject, thus turning yourself into the bumbling idiot in every romantic comedy movie ever made.

When she asks, "Did you notice the beading on the butts? The appliques?" simply reply, "No. I was listening to the music and didn't really notice." This will show you were paying attention to the show, but not oogling the other dancers.

When she asks, "Aren't the fifteen year-old's hip drops amazing?" it is okay to just let that question sink to the bottom of the conversation, never to be found again, not even by those guys who found the Titanic. There is no good answer to that question, so it's probably best to become violently ill, or have your mouth full to something that you can either spray at her when she asks (in an attempt to speak with your mouth full - if it looks like a spit-take, she'll get suspicious), or that you can "choke on" because you "swallowed wrong." In any case, a swift change of subject is the best response.

And finally, when she asks, "What did you think of the chest work?" tell her that hers was amazing and give her a quick kiss.

If you are dating a woman who belly dances, she gets it. She knows it is a type of performance and it is to be viewed as an art form, so she would probably appreciate it if you showed some sort of enthusiasm about going to see her show. Specifically, going to see her in her show. The other performers are blurs of color and jingles that just make her look that much better.

Got it?

Thank you, H.B. for your question! Keep 'em coming guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Oh The Games We Play

T.E. asks, "Why would anyone chose to be the wheelbarrow when both the Scotty dog and top-hat were still available?"

I think there is one thing you need to remember about humans in general to answer this question. Because yes, Scotty dogs are cute and yes, top-hats are dapper. But humans in general are lazy and wheelbarrows have wheels. Scotty dogs require cleaning up after, and top-hats can't do anything for themselves. Wheelbarrows require a minimal amount of pushing effort to move around the board. And if you happen to acquire other things along the way, you can put them in the wheelbarrow so as to avoid having to carry them. Like the bodies of your opponents as you mop the floor with them. Three hotels on Boardwalk Ave - eat that, suckers!

Thank you, T.E. for your question. Keep 'em coming! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com