Santa vs. The Easter Bunny

T.E. asks, "My Dear Miss Kitty,

Who has the cooler job, Santa or the Easter Bunny?"

Santa.

Hands down, it's Santa.

So this answer is going to be more text-y than link-y, but I think I have some pretty solid reasons why Santa has it better than the Easter Bunny, so just bear with me, if you would.

Okay, let's look at living conditions first.

Santa lives at the North Pole (horrible weather) in a sort of magical workshop where he is surrounded by his wife, elves, reindeer and bajillions of toys. It's always kind of holiday-ish at Santa's workshop, so I'm guessing there is singing and lights and probably some pretty decent grub. We all know Santa's a little on the larger side, and one doesn't get that way if the food sucks. Let's be honest.

The Easter Bunny lives...somewhere. Nobody really knows. But if he is like any other bunny, he probably lives in a hole in the ground. There may be other bunnies or there may not be. Probably not. If there were, we would have heard of Mrs. Easter Bunny, right? He's probably a bachelor who goes around procreating like, well, a bunny, but he can't be seen with all of these kids hanging about so all of his former girlfriend bunnies have scorned him and don't come around any more either. And let's be honest, if you're a bunny that looks like this, do you really want to be seen hanging around with this guy? Or worse, this one?

Point: Santa.

Next we look at job circumstances.

Santa works all year long. Making toys. He gets to build trains and dolls and iPods and drills and all kinds of fun things. If he gets tired of making tops, he can switch over to blocks for a day. And again, the work environment is filled with elves singing, people to chat with, and good food. Then, once a year, he climbs into a magical sled and takes a trip around the world where people leave cookies for him at every stop. Not too shabby, I'd say.

The Easter Bunny works one day a year. Not too bad. Until you consider that he has to steal his product (eggs) because bunnies don't lay eggs. So in the days leading up to Easter, he has to break into hen houses to try to collect enough eggs to hide for the children to find, or he has to break into various variety stories to get those brightly colored plastic eggs and then fill them with stuff. He could, at any time, be caught and dragged off to jail or shot by an angry farmer. And then he has to go hide the eggs so other people can find and consume the treats within. And he has to do this all by himself. No little worker bunnies hopping around to help with the stealing and hiding, and nobody to leave little treats for him as he does his job.

Point: Santa.

And finally, attire.

Santa gets to wear a nice, big, warm, fuzzy red suit with boots and a hat and gloves so he stays nice and toasty on his round-the-world trip. And I'm guessing he can wear whatever he wants in the workshop.

The Easter Bunny sometimes gets to wear really horrible vests or bow-ties, but that's about it. You know how dank and muddy it can be in March or April? And he doesn't even get to wear boots? Sure he's an animal, but do we have to treat him like one?

Point, set, match: Santa.

Sorry, Easter Bunny, but you just plain got screwed with your holiday. It's not even on the same day every year, for crying out loud. At least you get to hawk Cadbury Creme Eggs for a little while each year. Those things are tasty.

Thank you, T.E. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Christmas Gifts

M.C. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty

What was the worst Christmas gift you ever received?"

This is actually a really tough question to answer because most of the Christmas presents I've been given have been spot on. Usually because I ask for stuff and people get it for me. And it's also hard for me to say a gift is "bad" because someone took the time to buy me a gift in the first place, which was really sweet and I have to applaud the effort. I did get a book once, though, that was just WAY off base. It was about how feminism was just sort of a fad and isn't it nice that we're moving back towards a society wherein women like to stay home and cook and clean and take care of the family? I think. I didn't read the thing. And I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being a stay at home mom. When I have kids, if it financially viable, I may choose to do just that because how awesome would it be to get to see your kids grow up every day? But that's just it - I may choose to stay home. I would not stay home because society told me I should. Which is kind of what feminism is about. Which means feminism is alive and well and it rocks, baby!

Oh! And another time, a co-worker (boss-type) of mine who lives in Europe brought me this nice little box of European chocolates for Christmas. None of which were vegan (which I am). On the up side, I got to give those away to the rest of the people in the office, so at least somebody got to enjoy them.

I used to have these sort of nightmares (not really nightmares, but awful thoughts) that someday, when I'm rich and famous, my fabulous rich and famous boyfriend (or boss, or co-star or someone) would buy me a fur coat as a gift (not that any of those people would, I just wanted to add some links to this post). I honestly don't know what I would do. I wouldn't take it, first of all, but I would probably then have to question our whole relationship. So thank goodness I'm not rich and famous and I don't have any rich and famous friends/coworkers/costars!

Thank you, M.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Potty Time Santa

J.R. asks, "Where does Santa pee on Christmas Eve, on his round the world circuit?"

That's actually a really good question, J.R., and there are a couple of theories on that. See, nobody has ever thought to ask him. Sure, you hear the random story about some kid seeing his mom make out with Santa, or some guy who happens to see Santa do his thing and then gets a personal "Merry Christmas" out of him, but in all of these encounters, does anyone ever think to ask Santa if he need to pop into the loo? No, they don't. Most of them don't even bother to say, "Thanks for the gifts, and for squishing your innards to get them to us," because if you know anything about the physics of Santa, you know he is traveling at approximately 650 miles per second, which subjects him to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. If that doesn't squish your innards, I don't know what will.

So there are a couple of theories on where Santa might take a pit stop if he needs one.

The first is that he is visiting millions of homes with large, bushy trees in them. Much better than using the trees outside, I must say, mostly because it can get cold outside which can make the mechanics of the deed tricky. This also explains why people are usually pretty quick to get rid of their trees once Christmas is over, and it is a pretty good, solid argument for real trees vs. fake trees.

The second, which is one I hold very dear, is that he uses whatever household restroom he needs to. Hell, we all leave cookies and milk out for him, so why not help himself to the toilet as well? In my house, this led to the tradition of the Christmas Morning Toilet Scrub, where we would gather around the toilet with our brand new scrubbing brushes and toilet bowl cleaner that smelled of gingerbread and get rid of any traces of the Santa who had also stopped at goodness knows how many other toilets around the world that were not nearly as sparkling clean and disease-free as ours. Good times. Good times.

And the third theory takes us back to the whole physics thing mentioned earlier. See, if a person is traveling at 650 miles per second, and is subjected to 17,500.06 times the force of gravity, one needs EXTRAORDINARY amounts of energy to withstand that. It's like when they're teaching pilots to withstand Mach 3 speeds and they tell them to clench down as tight as they can. Times 5,833. So Santa is burning up a LOT of calories on his journey around the world (not alot 'cuz that's something totally different), and all he gets to eat along the way is cookies and milk. In short, Santa gets dangerously dehydrated on his trip around the world and as such, he doesn't need to pee. Why do you think he does this only once a year? You'd think a guy as benevolent as Santa would be making appearances at charity functions and whatnot throughout the year to keep on giving. And why do you think he's always pictured as fat? He needs to build up some padding because he's going to burn through all of it on his journey around the world. No, Santa doesn't need to pee on his journey around the world because he is subjecting himself to the most brutal test of physical endurance ever imagined by human or superhuman being. Even worse than bicycle bog snorkeling. And then he has to take the following year to rest, recover, and prepare to do it all over again.

So may I recommend that this year, you leave out, say, a pot roast for Santa instead of the usual milk and cookies? Dude could use some protein.

Thank you, J.R. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com