Woodchucks Galore

A.A asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

Springs are in the heir and I hope this letter finds you in good health and with a reasonable level of joviality.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could be you?

May the FSM look upon you kindly,
AA"

Hi, A.A. Thank you for your question, and for the blessing of the FSM. Such things are always appreciated.

But springs in the heir? Ouch! Does Harry know about this? If it's him, I guess he must, but if it's Wills, then he might want to keep alert for some terrible medical emergency that shoots him up the "next in line to rule" list. Cut back on all of that random cavorting and find himself a nice girl to settle down with. Not Pippa, though. Marrying your sister-in-law might have worked in the sixteenth century, but this is the twenty-first for crying out loud. He should be more progressive and marry an American, for instance. *cough, cough* Excuse me.

But on to the woodchucks. Y'all like woodchucks, don't you? And what's not to like? I actually have a friend now with a pet woodchuck which I think is adorable. Oh, wait, sorry. He has a hedgehog. Those are the cute ones. Woodchucks are the ones that spend their days throwing things about, all willy-nilly and such. Silly willy-nilly woodchucks.

I think perhaps the most important thing that we need to address here, though, is why would a woodchuck want to be me? Seriously. You're a woodchuck. You're minding your own business, chuckin' some wood when the mood takes you, maybe having a bit of lunch before a bit of a lie-down. Someone comes up to you and says, "Hey, you wanna trade in everything you currently have going for you so you can become a single white girl who lives by herself and has a semi-crappy day job? She has a cute car, though, and a nice apartment, and some kick-ass friends, but you'll have to start paying her rent and bills and you'll have to clean up after her cat when he has hairballs and stuff. You wanna trade in your life of leisure for bills and cats and cars and jobs and stuff?" What kind of woodchuck would take you up on that offer? A sadistic one, maybe. So I don't think it's too likely that a woodchuck would be me, given the opportunity.

Given the opportunity, though, I might be a woodchuck for a day. In which case, my answer would be "three."

Thank you, A.A. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Too Far?

M.A. asks, "I made a Facebook page for my cat. Have I gone too far?"

My initial reaction to this question was, "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes," but then I had to give it a bit more thought. Because while I'm sure you may be actually offending your cat instead of honoring your cat (more on that in a minute), we, of course, have to consider what is "too far."

You're familiar with LOLcats, yes? How could you not be? I currently have this guy hanging on my cubicle wall at work because he just makes me giggle every time I look at him. With his little tongue sticking out. So cute. And I love LOLcats - I really do. But I am almost positive that there are some cats on there into whose mouths words were placed that do not belong there. For example, I created this one with my cat, based on his undying love of my yoga mat. But then two other people recaptioned it, one of them naming my cat "Millie." His name is not "Millie." And while the caption is kind of funny, I know (because we've chatted about it) that those were not the thoughts running through my cat's head at the time. And he was a little offended by the fact that someone thought his tan was fake.

The point I'm trying to make here is that unless your cat gets to update his/her own Facebook page, or has some sort of creative control over the content, you may find that you are actually completely mis-representing your cat to the rest of the cats on Facebook. And the rest of the humans, for that matter. So I'd just be careful what you put up there. If you post, "ate mouse today and LOL'd" as a status update and wake up with scratches all over your face, well, you'll really only have yourself to blame.

But then I read this article on Cracked.com (fantastic site, by the way, if you're into the whole random factoid kind of thing, which I totally am). Go ahead and take the minute or two to read the thing. Or just skip to the number one entry. Yeah. That, I think, would constitute going too far. As Janeane Garofalo said in The Truth About Cats and Dogs, "It's okay to love your pets, just don't love your pets." Or bang and eat them.

So in that context, no, I don't think creating a Facebook page for your cat it going too far. Just be careful what you post there or you might, you know, suddenly have a very unpleasant living situation at home.

Thank you, M.A. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Like a Cat Out of Water

D.H. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

The shower in the apartment where I live has a very sloooooow drain. I have recently discovered that one of my cats has taken to 'wading' or 'swimming' in the draining shower water that usually comes up to her shoulders. The other cat acts as her 'spotter,' for lack of a better term, and watches intently from the sidelines.

I thought cats hated water! Is she looking for fish? Does she think she's a 'mama grizzly' like on those Alaska infomercials with Tina Fey? Is she training for synchonized swimming for the 'kitty olympics?' How concerned should I be?

D. H."

Hi, D.H.

No, not all cats hate water. For one thing, they drink it. Quite a bit. As do most mammals 'cuz we need it to, um, you know, survive.

There are some dainty cats who don't like to get their paws wet, but if your kitty likes to swim, them swim she shall. I think the other cat is coaching the swimmer cat. I wouldn't worry about it too much, at least not until your one cat develops an eating disorder and the other one starts wearing gray sweatsuits talking about how he could have been a contender back in the day. Then its time to get some help.

Thank you, D.H. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Cat Training

D.H. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

One of my kittens is growing at an exponential rate and seems to be suffering from 'species confusion.' When she was little, my grey kitten began to perch on my shoulder to sleep as I sat in my bean bag chair -- not unlike a pirate's parrot. As she has grown and continues to grow, she continues to try to perch on my shoulder but since she no longer fits, more often than not she ends up sprawled across my chest or wrapped around my neck. My question is: how do I gently modify this behavior without rejecting her love or 'giving her a complex' about her weight?

D.H."

I have to admit, D.H., that I am at the same time very touched and very confused by what is going on in your household. I think it is adorable that your cat likes to perch on your shoulder, but I'm concerned for your posture if you spend a lot of time sitting in a bean bag chair in such a way that a cat can perch on your shoulder and then wrap itself around your neck. I'm guessing you are mostly reclined at this point? I know that seems comfy, but you're really not doing your lower back any favors. I fully expect to get a question in a few weeks about where to find a good chiropractor.

Which actually presents a rather simple solution to your problem - sit up straight. This will make it harder for your growing cat to get comfortable on your shoulder and she may instead opt for your lap (or your head, but that's usually only if they're playing "evil"). If there is no comfortable shoulder space, she will not sleep there.

I will say, too, that cats are more "trainable" than one might think, if you have the patience for it. See, she likes sleeping on you because you are warm. Your nice hot breath is probably at least part of the draw, and if you eat lots of tuna, all the more. But if you can show her that there are other comfy, warm places to sleep, and give her good reason to try them, she will eventually move away from your shoulder to the new spot.

For example, when I got my cat, he was NOT A LAP CAT. He liked attention (and still does), but would wriggle and squirm out of my lap within two seconds of me even attempting to put him there. Until one day, I picked him up, sat down, put him in my lap, and scritched his ears for as long as he would let me. The next time, I pet his ears, and scritched his face. The next time, ears, face, and the top of his head. I'm sure you can see where this is going. He eventually learned that when he sits in my lap, he gets attention. Oh, and it just happens to be warm and soft, too. Now, my lap is his favorite place in the house to sit. And all it took was a little patience and a lot of positive reinforcement.

So as you transition your cat from parrot to feline, just remember to work at her speed and to show constant, consistent affection when she behaves the way you want her to.

Good luck!

Thank you, D.H. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Alpha Cat

D.H. asks, "Miss Kitty,

As a new cat owner who has previously owned dogs, how do I tell which of my two kittens is 'the alpha'? When wrestling, the burly grey kitten submits to the dainty white kitten. When eating, the dainty white kitten allows the burly grey kitten to shoulder her out of the way in order to polish off her share of the food. Are there other indicators? Or is the designation of an alpha merely a simplistic tool people use to categorize animal relationships that, in reality, are much more complex?

Hi, D.H.

I think the most important thing to remember here is that these are cats, not dogs.

Cat society is different from dog society, as in, it's a little more relaxed. They don't spend entire days trying to prove who is coolest. Today, the dainty white one may be in charge; tomorrow, it will be the burly grey one. Cats aren't nearly as concerned with status as dogs are.

Where do you think the phrase "cool cat" came from?

Thank you, D.H. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Cat Genetics

D.H. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

My partner and I recently got two kittens from the SPCA. Although one is a dainty all-white short-hair, her sister is a burly grey-striped long-hair with a racoon tail. They also have radically different personalities. The SPCA swears these two are siblings from the same litter, but they are nothing alike. How can this be? Was Momma 'a rolling stone' of some sort?

D.H.

Hi, D.H. Welcome to the Wonderful World of Genetics!

There are a couple of things that could be going on here. The first is that yes, the mother cat was impregnated by two or more male cats at the same time. Well, the impregnation may not have occurred at the exact same time, but she could have "gone out for Italian food" with one cat one night, and another cat the next, with all of the various seeds taking root and producing all kinds of kittens.

The second thing to remember is that in the Wonderful World of Genetics, there are things called "dominant" and "recessive" genes. Dominant genes always show up when they are present. Recessive genes only show up if there are two of them. If both parents have one dominant and one recessive gene, there is a one in four chance that the offspring will display the recessive traits. This is why in large Irish families, there is always one kid with dark brown hair.

But just look at the families around you. Take me, for example. I have strawberry blond hair, greenish eyes, and almost no nose. My brother has blond hair, blue eyes, and a decent sized nose. My mom has coloring similar to me, and my dad has dark hair and blue eyes. How did those parents create a blond son? Genetics! Hooray genetics!

Another thing to remember is that for a cat, white is a "masking" color as opposed to being a color in and of itself. If you want to think of it as something akin to albino-ism, you probably could and nobody would fault you. Unless you tell them you think that way, at which time, they may point and laugh. But what it means is that just because the cat is white doesn't mean she's not a speckled tabby at heart, so to speak.

Same goes for personality. Cats is cats. They do what they want and nobody really knows why.

Thank you, D.H. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Comparative Beauty

E.C. asks, "Miss Kitty,

Which is more beautiful, a baby's smile, a perfectly prepared platter of buffalo tofu or a pet curled up on your lap?

In any of the above, how much is it's beauty reduced if experienced while watching a repeat of "Three and a half men"?"

Hi, E.C. Good to hear from you. Though I will say that I think your question requires a bit more clarification. I'm guessing you're asking which is more beautiful to me because beauty is subjective and the only opinions I can have are my own. Unless I steal someone else's, which happens from time to time, but in the stealing process, I usually add a bit of my own flare to make it mine. So I am going to answer your question from my own perspective. Because that is easiest and I'm lazy.

We can eliminate the platter of buffalo tofu right out. While the buffalo sauce may have a nice color to it, tofu is not pretty. It's just not. Tasty when smothered in buffalo sauce, but not pretty. Moving on.

The smile of a baby is gorgeous, as is having a pet curled up in your lap. If we are talking about my niece and my cat, that's a really tough call. If we're talking about this baby and my cat, my cat wins, hands down. Especially when he sort of rolls onto his side so I can scritch his tummy and he does that pawing at the air thing 'cuz he's happy and then he lets me hold his hand for a minute before he curls back up into a tiny ball with his paw over his eyes to block out any excess light that may be creeping in. Or when he is at the other end of the hallway and can hear me putting a blanket on my lap so he comes running, a flat out run to get into my lap and fall asleep, that just melts me. More than any random baby's smile ever could.

However, my niece is gorgeous. Seriously. I know everyone says their kid or their niece or their nephew is the cutest kid ever, but mine really is. I've been saying she is for the past year and a half she's been alive and then when I show people pictures of her, they go, "Wow! She really is cute," like I had been lying or making it up. She is what every parent hopes their child will be - adorable, smart, funny, sweet. Beautiful little kid. And when she smiles at you...let's just say she could make the Grinch's heart grow four sizes. Yes, she is cuter than Cindy Lou Who, who is pretty damn cute. Come on. If she crawled into your lap and asked for a Barbie Dream House, you'd go find one, body image issues be damned.

So it's a tough call. If my niece sat in my lap with my cat, who was curled up around my hand that was scritching his tummy, and my niece looked up at me and smiled, I think my head would explode from the beauty of it. So for the sake of my own health, here's hoping my niece never comes over to my house to meet my cat.

Side note: Really cute story. I met my cousin's new baby boy over the weekend. He's only five weeks old so he hasn't really learned to smile or make eye contact yet. But in that way that babies can psyche you out, there was a moment when he was lying on the floor and I was holding his hand that I swear he looked at me and the one corner of his mouth started to pull back like the beginnings of a smile. And I couldn't help it - I cried. Felt like a total moron, but this tiny, perfect, beautiful baby boy was trying to smile at me. How could I not?

Regarding the reduction in beauty given what I'm assuming is supposed to be an unpleasant outside circumstance (I've not heard of this "Three and a Half Men." I've seen a few episodes of "Two and a Half Men" - are they related? Did the change the name of the show since the kid grew up? Did the kid have his own kid and that's the new "half?"), I don't think outside circumstances have as much effect on the beauty of the situation as one might think. If one is as skilled at appreciating beauty as I am (and let's face it, I'm good), one can sort of tune out the background noise and just enjoy the warmth of the cat on my lap. And when we're playing with my niece, we're not watching TV. Or if the television is on, it's football. She loves football.

Thank you, E.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything.blogspot.com