Facebook Parents

D.N. asks, "I read the following on an old high school friend's Facebook status update this week.

'My daughter just came home from school and ran to her room, slamming the door. Even though she's got the music turned up pretty loud, I can still hear her heartbreaking sobs of anguish through her door. I try and I try to get her to talk to me, but she just asks me to leave her alone no matter how many times I tell her to confide in me. All I can think is that something horrible happened to her at school today. Doesn't she know that I went to high school too and could probably solve whatever her silly little problem is? Somebody please tell me what to do!'

What followed was an exceptionally long list of comments, all of which empathized with the mother before going off on their own kids' selfish behavior.

No one, especially the mom in this case, stopped to think that, gee maybe something horrible DID happen at school that day. Maybe it was all the young woman could do to simply 'hold it together' until the end of the day where she could (supposedly) seek refuge in the only 'safe' place she has to go to. Maybe the only thing that could be possibly WORSE than whatever happened is to have her mom -- IN A PUBLIC FORUM -- THAT HER 'FRIENDS' FROM SCHOOL CAN EASILY ACCESS -- complain about her level of distress and her supposed selfishness for not wanting to immediately share the 'silly' details of her 'silly' problem.

My question, I guess, is this. Are Facebook parents the most narcisistic generation of parents in the history of the world? Or are we just the dumbest?

D. N."

Hi, D.N.

I don't think this is necessarily a case of Narcissism or stupidity. Let me explain. No, there is too much; let me sum up. Buttercup is marry Humperdink in little less a half an hour. All we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, and make our 'scape. After I kill Count Rugen.

Sorry, got a little distracted there. Back on track.

I think we need to look at this in the proper context. Parents today have to deal with all sorts of things that parents of previous generations didn't have to think about at all. The whole concept of "adolescence" is only about 100 years old - prior to that, you were a kid who became an adult. That's it. And the more we explore adolescence, the more confusing it becomes. Nowadays, you're Satan's Mistress if you spank your child, but not so long ago, children received regular beatings all in the name of "teaching them good manners." Children used to go to school and then come directly home to help out with the chores on the farm (or around the house) instead of sleeping through classes and then coming home to play World of Warcraft for six hours before bed. I'm not saying things like drugs and alcohol and sex weren't as big a deal back then, but the way we handle our children and their problems is different now. The way our children behave in school is different than it used to be, too. How many girls do you see in photographs from the 1880's wearing cut-off t-shirts and mini skirts? Not so many, right? But the way girls dress now invites all kinds of fun new slurs, taunting remarks, and derogatory terms. And we, as parents, need to learn how to help our kids through the torture chamber known as the public education system.

So your friend's kid came home all upset about something and not wanting to talk about it. Okay. Your friend wanted to talk to her kid and try to help and that is a good thing. She should be commended for her impulse. The kid should not be lambasted for her choice to not want to talk to her mom. What if the problem is that the other kids at school were teasing her for some rumor that the mom is a slut? Or what if she was found in the janitor's closet with a varsity football player and neither of them was wearing any pants? These are not the sort of things you want to talk to your mom about. In the case of the first thing, nobody wants to have to ask their mom if she is a slut because neither answer is a good one. If she's not, you look like an ass for asking in the first place and if she is, you get to have nightmares for the rest of your natural born life. And no teenage girl wants to talk to her mom about her super secret sex life for fear her mother will chime in with some story about her super secret sex life when she was a teenager and we're back to having nightmares for the rest of your natural born life again.

I guess it is possible that the issue at school was something that might not be completely mortifying to talk to one's own mother about. Maybe she got a bad grade on a test or tripped on her own shoelace walking down the hall. But what the mom needs to realize is that everyone processes things in their own way. Maybe what the kid needs is to curl up in bed and listen to music for a while until the embarrassment dies down a bit and she can talk about it. The simple fact that the mother considers whatever is causing her daughter's "heartbreaking sobs of anguish" is a "silly little problem," means that there is some sort of disconnect happening here. And maybe the daughter knows her mom will think the problem is silly and wants to be a little more composed before they chat about it so she can show her mom that really, she is fine as opposed to her mom laughing it off with, "I was in high school once, too, you know."

And the other thing about the "I was in high school once, too, you know," defense. Yes, you were. But you have not been in high school for several years. You may remember that "the love of your life" dumped you two weeks before the prom, but since that time, you met your husband who proved to be the real love of your life and you've had kids and you have a mortgage now and have been to seventeen fancy dress fundraisers so the whole prom thing isn't that big of a deal anymore. It's called "healing and moving on." Yes, you lived through it and came out on the other side. No, you don't actually remember what it was like when it happened. You have the luxury of looking at the event through Detachment Glasses. When you remember it, you look back on a younger version of yourself who you know has great things in store. But you have forgotten what it felt like to not see good things in store for you down the line. So in order to understand what your daughter is going through, you need to put it in terms of your own life where you are now. Maybe her boyfriend dumped her. Imagine your husband came home one day, packed a suitcase, and left you for his secretary. That is how she's feeling now. Empathize with that, as opposed to minimizing her problem as some silly high school trifle.

Which brings us back around to Facebook. I think the mom has the right to ask her friends for help in this situation, because I'll let you in on a little secret: none of us know what we're doing. Parents (the good ones, anyway) always think they're going to fuck up their kids and that is the most terrifying thought in the world. Your friend is wondering if she's a bad mom for letting her daughter cry, or if she's a bad mom for trying to force her daughter to talk. It feels like a no-win situation. She wants to help and doesn't know how. So she asks her friends for advice. I think that's okay. I think the problem is that the friends take sides. They should know better than to bash a kid on Facebook for having a bad day.

So to answer your question, Facebook parents are not narcissistic, nor are they dumb. They're confused and lost and reaching out for help, just like the rest of us. And no, the daughter is not being selfish because she wants to process her horrible day in her own way. The mom is right to be concerned, but at the moment, it probably best for her to let her daughter know that she is there, she loves her no matter what, and then wait for the daughter to come talk to her in her own time. But yeah, the mom's friends are probably making things worse in their attempts to comfort the mom. They should watch that.

Thank you, D.N. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Star Signs

This will be a question and answer in many parts. Think of it as a play in three acts, if you'd like. If you don't like, just think of it as someone who blathered out many variations on a theme all in one email answered by someone who is trying her damdest to make sure she doesn't miss anything.

R.J. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty,

What sign am I?"

I don't know - when were you born?

"What with the discovery of a 'new' 13th sign (which I still don't fully understand; please explain!) throwing all of the previous star signs out of alignment, does this mean if I'm a former fire sign that all my years of tempestuous temper and passionate lovemaking have been a sham? And if I'm a former earth sign does this mean my years of fiscal responsibility have been a lie?"

Okay, this bit is confused, and I don't just mean me.

First of all, the 13th sign isn't new. It was there, right at the beginning with the rest of them until the Babylonians decided to chuck it. They got bored and felt like throwing things away. They could have gone clubbing, but nobody had invented the disco ball yet, so eliminating a zodiac sign sounded like a much more fun way to spend a Friday night. Plus, doing so had the added benefit of making twelve signs to go with twelve months in a year (and avoiding that scary, scary number 13). Though why they couldn't line up the months with the signs has always been a little puzzling to me. If Aries is supposed to be the first sign that starts on the vernal equinox, why not just say, "April starts on the vernal equinox, so anyone born between April 1 and April 30 is an Aries?" That might make this whole thing a little easier to digest. Until you want to throw Ophiuchus back into the mix and you get, "Okay, anyone born in the first two weeks of November is a Scorpio, anyone born in the third week is an Ophiuchus, and anyone born in the last week of November or anytime in December is a Sagittarius." Like there isn't enough crap going on in November and December to begin with. And while we're on that, if the start of the zodiac calendar is the vernal equinox, what's with this whole "New Year's Day is January 1" thing? I honestly think this whole thing could be straightened out if people had just sat down for a moment, had some tea, and thought about things logically. But they were probably burning too much "incense" at the time and the dragon people told them to make it all as confusing as possible.

You know that time and calendars are man-made constructs, right? And that the calendar we use in the West is not the only one that exists? You've heard of Rosh Hashanah and the Chinese New Year, yes? Not everyone keeps time the same way, so keep that in mind, too, as you try to muddle your way through all of this date-based stuff.

But what is kind of striking to me about these questions is that you don't seem to know if you are/used to be a fire sign or an earth sign. There are a million websites out there that will tell you what you are if you know when you were born and you seem the sort who can navigate the interweb even just a little, seeing as you emailed me. This confusion could also seem to indicate that you are a passionate, yet fiscally responsible person, so you could be the sort who generally laughs in the face of all of this astrological mumbo-jumbo anyway, in which case, your current panic is kind of funny.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to chuckle. But chuckling is fun.

"As a former Libra, has my interest in balancing the forces of good and evil merely been an inappropriate hobby? What is happening? I feel as if the cornerstones of my personality are being torn asunder!

R. J."

What is happening here, is that you're taking this WAY too seriously. Especially if you live/were born in the Western hemisphere. See, over here in the West, we tend to rely on Western Astrology, wherein the signs of the zodiac are aligned with the seasons, as opposed to actual sun positions. In which case, nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. Though I will say, as an aside, it's been bothering me for a few years now that the seasons seem to be off from the calendar by about a month. It doesn't really get cold until January or February, and it doesn't really start to warm up again until about May or June, which would put the seasons off by about a month, too, in which case, you would have to worry. Or, we could just have a "redo" of a particularly bad month so we could just reset things. I'd pick February of 2010. That was not one of my favorites. Anyway.

I think it is also important to note that all of this astrology stuff depends on when you were born. As in, the time and date you were physically expelled from your mother's womb and what was going on in the heavens at that exact moment. Meaning if you are more than a year old, I don't think this whole shift should apply to you. Think of it as a "grandfather clause." At the time you were born, astrology said you were a certain sign, so you shall remain a certain sign. Just like the ethnicity you were born is the ethnicity you will remain your entire life. If Kenya invaded America, I wouldn't suddenly become Kenyan-American on census forms. I would still have to mark myself down as "Caucasian - Non-Hispanic." Because that's what I am. That's how I was born.

Or, if you want to overload your brain to the point where you just don't care anymore, look up your birth date in the Chinese zodiac, the tropical zodiac, the sidereal zodiac, the Indian zodiac, numerology, and make sure to find out your sun signs and your moon signs and your elementals in all of the above. Read about all of your potential personality traits. You'll start to see that there is the potential for just about anything in any one person born at any given time on any given date. You just need to figure out who you are, what is important to you, and what your favorite color is and use those things as the cornerstones of your personality.

Thank you, R.J. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Time

M.C. asks, "Dear Miss Kitty

What is the best time of day?"

Right now. Because it is the only time that is real.

Thank you, M.C. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com