Universal Truth

A.A. asks, "Why, Miss Kitty? WHY?!?

Thank you, Miss Kitty. Hope all is well. Happy New Year. I look forward to your reply.

A."

Such a polite email for such a passionate question. And the answer is very simple.

Because.

Because the Earth revolves around the Sun. Because gravity keeps us here. Because it feels good. Because he makes me smile. Because I think single spaces after a period make text look smooshed together and sometimes I want to give my readers a bit more of a pause than just one space will allow. Because they scored more points. Because I love you. Because she's your wife. Because he's my best friend. Because if you don't, you'll get fired. Because if you do, you'll get hurt. Because that's where the Boogie Man lives. Because that information is on a "need to know" basis and you don't need to know. Because we borrowed it from the Germans. Because it's more fun to paint things that don't really exist. Because he did too many drugs in his teens. Because she always looks bored and pissy. Because he is over-exposed. Because that's what they think we want. Because that's what we think we want. Because he's funny and charming and smart and damn fine to look at. Because I just want to make people laugh. Because we're not going anywhere else. Because it's time. Because it's easy. Because if someone were to turn this into a monologue, they would need to know each circumstance to give each answer it's proper weight and I would love to see them try. Because it's fun. Because he's a genius. Because the work being produced there is stimulating and exciting. Because it's warmer. Because it's snowing. Because there is honestly no good reason to let the phone ring three times before you answer it when your job is to answer the phone. Because nobody knows. Because everyone is nosy. Because we need to fill our lives with something to distract ourselves from the futility of it all. Because nobody wants to be forgotten.

Why?

Because I said so and I'm your mother, that's why.

Thank you, A.A. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

Dancing Fool

M.O'D. asks, " When dancing I can usually do ok counting in my head as long as I'm focusing on my partner. However, the moment I try (or accidentally) look anywhere else (like at other dancers) my counting goes out the window and I end up trampling toes. Is this just a novice dancing dilema? Are there any quick fixes? Please help me MissKitty!

Hi, M. I hope you know that I say this next bit with all of the love in my heart because I really can empathize with you, but you're a white guy, aren't you? (I know you are 'cuz we've known each other for years, but I just needed to make that point for the sake of my readers. Excuse me, "reader.")

Dancing can be a tricky thing, especially for Caucasian men who, typically, have no rhythm. I presume this is why you are counting in your head, so you can keep the beat, yes? You are fortunate because rhythm is something that a person can learn, and once the rhythm is part of you, it won't matter where you look (though I will say, on behalf of dance partners everywhere, if you're so bored with the dance you're in that you can't stay focused on your partner, it's probably not a dance you should be involved in and chances are she's just as bored as you so it would probably be okay to just call it quits right there in the middle of the dance floor. Make a big show of it, though, so people know why you're leaving the floor and they will know to get out of your way. Shouting, "I just can't work with this!" usually helps).

Rhythm consists of two parts - the math-type part and the feeling-type part.

The math-type part is easy. Perhaps your counting is getting thrown off because you haven't really counted anything in a long time and you've forgotten how it goes. I would recommend dropping by any of the fine elementary education facilities in your city and joining a class. A lot of counting usually happens in first grade classrooms. If you wear a trench coat, dark glasses, and a hat, and sneak in to sit in the back, they won't even know you're there. You can join in the counting until you feel comfortable doing it on your own. If you find that you need some extra assistance, you might want to take one of the children aside during recess and ask for some one-on-one lessons.

The feeling-type part can be a little trickier. This is when you take all of the counting you've been practicing and try to incorporate it into your body so that the things you do on a daily basis have fluidity and consistency. Rhythm, if you will. And the unfortunate part is that this is just one of those things that you have to do as much as you can until the muscle memory kicks in. I would recommend purchasing a few songs that have a heavy, steady bass line, so it is hard to miss the rhythm, and just play them wherever you go. If you need to carry a boombox on your shoulder, by all means, carry a boombox on your shoulder. If you'd rather go with a personal mp3 player of your choice, that's okay, too, but I've found some people can get self-conscious practicing their rhythm techniques if they think other people can't hear the music. But in any case, as you are listening to the music, walk in time with it. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. Brush your teeth to it. Breathe to it. Everything you do, do it in time with the music. Don't worry if you mess up every now and again - these things happen. Just jump back in on the downbeat and you're good to go. After a while, these behaviors will become automatic and any time you hear music, you'll be able to find the rhythm and keep it without having to count it out in your head. Then you can be as disinterested in your dance partner as you like and she'll never know the difference.

Keep on dancing!

Thank you, M.O'D. for your question. Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com