Smart Phones

iP.L. asks, "Miss Kitty,

What would be the potential implications if there was a movement to legalize marriage between humans and their smart phones?

Sincerely,
iPhone Lover

I think if the day comes wherein people feel the need to marry inanimate bits of technology, I will officially resign from the human race and go live in a cave somewhere among the bats. Because bats are friggin' cool.

I don't mean to discriminate - I think people should be allowed to marry whomever they want, as long as both parties are cool with it. Thing about marrying a smart phone is, how do you know the smart phone wants to marry you? Seriously, think about it. You bought that smart phone. You filled it with phone numbers and apps to make your life easier. You stuff it in pockets and leather carrying cases and purses and laptop bags. You drop it on the floor repeatedly and curse the high heavens when it drops a call or is two seconds slower than you'd like it to be. You say you love it but really, it is your slave. And you treat it badly. Did anyone ever stop to ask their iPhone if it would like that Justin Bieber ring tone generator to be installed? Did anyone bother to thank their Blackberry for reminding them when their anniversary is?

No.

We treat our smart phones like shit and then you expect them to want to marry you?

I would also have to ask what the benefits of marrying a bit of technology would be. See, the main points of contention in the gay marriage debate are equal rights for spouses of the same gender - hospital visitation rights, inheritance issues, insurance things, etc. When you are hospitalized, you take your phone with you and are allowed to put it on the bedside table. Nobody is going to bar your smart phone from the room. The only rooms the phones are not allowed in are the ones where it would probably do a lot of damage to the phone to have it in there (i.e. MRI and x-ray rooms). And do you really want to leave your life savings to your smart phone? Wouldn't you rather leave it to your kids so they can go to college, or to some charity if you really don't like your kids? Okay, what if it is the smart phone that gets sick? You take it to the Apple Genius Bar and they poke around in there - while you still have full visitation rights - and when they come back and tell you that it's a software glitch that will cost $500 to fix, or you could buy a new phone for $99, what do you do? You throw away your original phone for a newer, younger, sleeker model.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if a movement does start to allow humans to marry their smart phones, I will instantly start a campaign for Smart Phone Rights. Crackberries Unite!

Thank you, iP.L. for your question! Keep 'em coming guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com

The Bieb

T.E. asks, "What do you make of the persistent tabloid rumors that " Miss Kitty " is actually the literary pseudonym of Justin Bieber?"

I can see a couple of gaping holes in your logic there, T.E. You might want to get an extra coat to cover those up or something.

First of all, I don't normally pay attention to tabloid rumors because they are (say it with me now) tabloid rumors. "Tabloid," coming from the Greek tablous, which means "three and a half pounds of beetle dung," and "rumor" from the Greek roomus, which means, "place where we can chat and have a cup of tea." So you're talking about three and a half pounds of beetle dung in the room where we are supposed to chat and have a cup of tea. I don't know about you, but I'm not too thrilled about having tea in there. I think we should find somewhere else to go, like, say, a reputable news source location? The AP perhaps? BBC News? I do like the BBC.

Secondly, and how do I put this gently?, Justin Bieber is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Granted, the kid is only sixteen or seventeen, so we can't expect him to be too worldly. Except, wait a minute, he's traveled all around the world playing his "music." And supposedly, his grandfather is German and he can count to ten in German so that means he's not a moron. I can count to ten and say a few nasty words in German, though, so I don't know that counting to ten automatically discounts moron status.

And while I am not really one to toot my own horn, I will say that my posts do tend to be rather well put together. They use proper grammar and spelling. So while I guess it could be possible that the same person who Tweeted "#NEVERSAYNEVER3D really shows u what it's like. u see how hard things can get and that life isnt perfect but then u see the great moments 2," could be the writer of this blog, I'm going to put that into the category of Not Bloody Likely.

Finally, I don't think the Bieb knows what a pseudonym is. He would just call me a poser. Or a hater. Don't be hatin' on the Bieb!

Thank you, T.E. for your question! Keep 'em coming, guys! askmisskittyanything@gmail.com